In the Fall of 2014 I started to work on my doctorate. I don't know if the timing was right or not. Sometimes I think it was, other times - when I have work to do and I would rather be soaking up the quickly fleeting time with Sophie - I think it wasn't. Whether it was or not is now irrelevant, I guess. My classwork is completed and tomorrow, after several months of writing, I go to defend my dissertation proposal.
I am nervous.
No, I am terrified.
Why? I fear being found out to be a fraud. No, I did the research and the writing. No, I cited everything. It is my work. My ideas. So why feel like a fraud? This committee is made up of the people I respect most in this world, aside from my amazing and wonderful husband. He and this committee are all brilliant. And me? Well, I do not believe I am brilliant. I am not even sure I am smart. I need their respect. I crave their acceptance.
So, the point of tomorrow is to refine my topic before I begin the research process. It's not life and death. I am not going to be told I am too stupid to continue. They will tell me, "here is how to make it better." But, I still fear. I want to be good enough.
That is it. Good. I want to be a good student, a good employee, a good wife, a good mother... I want to be good. I want to be enough. Just. Enough.
In the past year I have had to cut some toxic familial relationships. With that there is guilt. There is anger. There is grief. There is the feeling of not be good. But there is also a sense of relief. And freedom. The damage those relationships did over many decades (ouch), well, that will take a long time to overcome and I am still finding my way. But I have a peace in knowing that I am healing. This has been the proposal defense of my life -- listening to God and those who love me as they tell me "here is how to make it better." It is hard. But it is good.
So tomorrow, I will accept my fear. Bravely walk into that room with my committee. Embrace the refiners fire. And know that I am enough.
