I am a fraud. And I am enough.

In the Fall of 2014 I started to work on my doctorate. I don't know if the timing was right or not. Sometimes I think it was, other times - when I have work to do and I would rather be soaking up the quickly fleeting time with Sophie - I think it wasn't. Whether it was or not is now irrelevant, I guess. My classwork is completed and tomorrow, after several months of writing, I go to defend my dissertation proposal.

I am nervous.

No, I am terrified.

Why? I fear being found out to be a fraud. No, I did the research and the writing. No, I cited everything. It is my work. My ideas. So why feel like a fraud? This committee is made up of the people I respect most in this world, aside from my amazing and wonderful husband. He and this committee are all brilliant. And me? Well, I do not believe I am brilliant. I am not even sure I am smart. I need their respect. I crave their acceptance.

So, the point of tomorrow is to refine my topic before I begin the research process. It's not life and death. I am not going to be told I am too stupid to continue. They will tell me, "here is how to make it better." But, I still fear. I want to be good enough.

That is it. Good. I want to be a good student, a good employee, a good wife, a good mother... I want to be good. I want to be enough. Just. Enough.

In the past year I have had to cut some toxic familial relationships. With that there is guilt. There is anger. There is grief. There is the feeling of not be good. But there is also a sense of relief. And freedom. The damage those relationships did over many decades (ouch), well, that will take a long time to overcome and I am still finding my way. But I have a peace in knowing that I am healing. This has been the proposal defense of my life -- listening to God and those who love me as they tell me "here is how to make it better." It is hard. But it is good.

So tomorrow, I will accept my fear. Bravely walk into that room with my committee. Embrace the refiners fire. And know that I am enough.

Life at the speed of light! I can hardly believe it has been so long since my last blog. Life has been quite an adventure. - In Feb. '11 Chuck left BSU after 14 years to take an incredible job in Wisconsin. After 6 months of trying to get relocated and watching our son take a nose-dive, Chuck left his dream job for another job that allows him to work out of the home. - Mariah is now 16...and learning to drive this summer!! - Shae had ear surgery and can now hear out of her right ear. Science is amazing! - Dustin graduates in one week. - Sophie graduated from pre-school and will go to kindergarten next year, if we win the age appeal. - Family (and my personal) dieting has been successful as has the overall lifestyle change. All still in process. - Mom finished serving her 18 month mission in California. - Numerous band concerts, choir concerts, sporting events, piano recitals, trips to the mall, trips to the park, family movie nights, family game nights, etc. Yes, life moves at the speed of light. Hectic, crazy, frustrating, exciting, fun, enjoyable....comfortable. Life is not a spectators sport - who would really want it that way?!! Life is certainly no coincidence, no accident. Blessings!

Weight Loss Journey - Entry 1

Okay, so my doctor discovered in August that I have insulin resistance. Which means my body doesn't recognize when insulin is dumped in my blood, so it dumps more until it is recognized. That causes weight gain and hunger...which causes over eating which, well you get it.

So I went on medication and a low carb diet. I did wonderfully on the diet until Christmas. I had lost 30 lbs. During Christmas I gained back 5. Now I can't get refocused. So today, is day 1 of refocusing.

I am allowed 30-45 carbs per meal. I need to exercise 3-5 days a week for 30 minutes.

I work best with goals. So, when I lose 10 lbs. I will get to wear a necklace I bought as a reward...it is a bold and silver heart with a cross, footprints, and the birthstones of each of my four babies. I love it. It is BEAUTIFUL!!!

How have I done today? Let's take inventory: For breakfast today I had 29 carbs and for lunch I had 41. Perfect! For dinner I am making homemade Shepherds Pie. I will have to do some calculating, but I CAN figure out the carbs. I will. I haven't exercised today (or any day for the last week and a half) so I will tonight. I'll exercise at home while dinner is cooking.

We plan on watching the movie Red with the kids tonight. So I will do my Bible study after I exercise and before the movie.

I am very stressed with work, so it is a great thing that I was able to control breakfast and lunch....especially since I had to eat out both meals because I didn't plan ahead. We have to recognize even the smallest of accomplishments so: I am proud of that accomplishment!

Great accomplismhment...great plan for today...Way to go, Jo!

A Journey Has Begun

It has been forever since I have posted anything! Normally I have a specific thing to talk about with points and such. But today, I am writing freestyle, if you will. I started a journey on Aug. 26; a journey to better health.

I have insulin resistance which, I have learned, could turn into diabetes if I don't get it under control. So, the doctor put me on medication and sent me to a nutritionist to learn how to live a low-carb life. That's low-carb NOT no-carb. Whew!

Janelle, my nutritionist, went over the details of what my new life would look like and I was scared. Scared because it seemed too easy. Make smart food choices and limit carbs to 30-45 per meal. For snacks, use less carbs during the meal prior and use the unused carbs for that snack. Um, that was it. I was so used to seriously confining diet plans that I was frightened to try this. Seven and one-half weeks later, I am down 22 pounds.

Even more important than that, I have energy again now that my insulin levels are under control. I feel good. I feel like doing things and being active. I no longer am hungry. I no longer crave carbs and most of all sugar. As a matter of fact, this past weekend was Sophie's 3rd birthday and I planned so I could have a piece of cake. After a couple of bites I had to stop. It just didn't taste good to me. (Side note, I think I am mourning the loss of my love of sweets. But that's another story!)

I am now tackling getting into the habit of regular exercise without feeling guilty. My family is wonderful, they are all doing it with me. That helps.

I feel like I am in such a good place right now. I am happy. We are finally at a church where we are welcome, where we can participate, and where we can love and be loved. It is a good place for all of us!

The only unsettling thing right now is Chuck's job change. He isn't happy. I want him to be happy and feel fulfilled. I will continue to pray on this and I know that God will answer prayer and open not just doors for Chuck....but the best door for Chuck. If we stay here or move, it doesn't matter as long as we are together.

Thank you, Jesus, for all of your blessings. You are a wonderful and mighty God!

? A Day In The Life ?

What time is it? Is it time to get up yet? Are you finished with the shower? Is it my turn yet? What should I wear today? Does that match? Does that make me look fat? Which shoes should I wear? Are the kids up yet? Are they running late? What do you want for breakfast? Do you want eggs and toast? Did you drink your milk? Is the coffee on yet? Did you pack your lunch? Do you have any after school activities tonight? How are you getting home? What time will you be home? Did the kids catch the bus? Are you going to be late for work?

Where am I going to park? Will they ever develop more parking on this campus? Is everyone here today? Did any students get into trouble last night? Is everyone healthy? What are our numbers looking like? Are the programs ready to run? What new methods can we use? Did you send the fax? Where did I put that file? Did I answer that e-mail? When can I return that call? Do you have change for the soda machine? When will I get time for lunch? Will he ever say “good job?” Am I supposed to stay in this job until retirement? Is that God telling me what to do? Will the clock ever say it’s time to go home?

Where did I park this morning? Is it going to rain? Who am I supposed to pick up tonight? Do I have everything I need to make dinner? When are the kids getting home? Did you eat all of your vegetables? Do you want to pack the leftovers for your lunch tomorrow? Do you have homework? Did dad check your answers? Did you study for your test? Did you practice your piano, your oboe, your sax? How was practice? Did you do your chores? When are you going to put in your load of laundry? Which exercise video are you doing tonight? Can I join you? Is your friend still planning to come over this weekend? What are you two going to do? Can she spend the night? Did you have a good day at school? Did you have a good day at work? Any stories from your day?

Who is taking their shower first? Did you get your clothes ready for tomorrow? Is your lunch packed? Are your books gathered up? Do you have your equipment ready for the meet tomorrow? Did you set your alarm? Did you say your prayers? Did you give hugs and kisses?

Did you pay the bills? Do I need to mail them for you? Do you want to watch a movie or a tv show? What time is it? When are you going to bed? What time do you need to get up in the morning? Are the doors locked? Is the fire out? Is the thermostat set for the night? Is the bottle ready for the nightly feeding? Is it time to close my eyes?

“Life is not always based on the answers we receive, but also on the questions that we ask.” (Christy Carter Koski) To develop good, solid relationships we must ask the questions that go beneath the surface. We must actively listen. We must actively share. Personally, I think with every question and action we need to ask ourselves "where is God in that".

If we don't like the answers that we're getting, we need to change the questions! Enough said?

Soap Opera Anyone?

Have you ever spent time watching a Soap Opera – either on a regular basis or as a one-time thing? As a teen girl I, and about every other girl I knew, watched one of them on a regular basis. For the life of me I can’t figure out why now. Or can I? As I stopped to think about it I realized it was because at that age “high drama=cool grown-up.” Don’t laugh, I’m sure it’s true!!! The soaps are full of high drama; drama in dating relationships, friendships, business, even parenting.

In high school everything was a major dramatic moment because you were 1) learning how to deal with dating, friendships, college, and life on an entirely different level and 2) drama made us cool by giving us fun and exciting stories for people to listen to and that made us feel wonderful and grown-up.

Can it go too far? Think about those you knew in high school that were “drama queens” – socially, emotionally immature seeking to feel and be recognized as cool and grown-up. Sadly many drama queens go on to become full-blown “drama junkies.” Yes, it can go too far. They live their lives in a constant state of dramatic upheaval and when they don’t have natural, albeit blown out of proportion, drama - they create it.

I know a guy who tells the greatest stories. One time he told me that he often takes things out of the original story or event, adds things in, or changes the order to make them more entertaining for the listener. Huh?! Interesting. I wondered how much of what he had told me over the years was actually true. More importantly, why did he do this. Well, he was a teenage Drama King who never matured and became a full-blown drama junkie. He is stuck in that cycle of needing high drama to feel cool and grown-up.

I was somewhat shocked with this realization. He's a respected professional. He's a family man. Everyone loves him. But when you look down deep enough, through all those external layers, there it is. The ugly truth. Drama Junkie.

It wasn't long ago that I got my opportunity to find out the extent of this. To shorten a rather long and potentially dull story, I shared something with him in confidence which he told to my pastor BUT left out many details making it seem as though I was blaming him (the pastor) for a situation/incident that I actually was blaming myself for. The drama that ensued can only be summed up with an adolescent OMG.

Of course, I tried to set it straight but damage is damage. I wonder now how many other lies and misdirected truths were told about me by this junkie.

So, what do we do about the drama junkies in our lives? I don't really know. So, I will continue to pray for himto mature, pray for them to find another outlet and another way to bolster their self-esteem, self-respect, and self-efficacy. But moost of all, I will give him nothing upon which to build his dramatic moment.

I'm accepting other ideas...

Until then, we are The Bold and The Beautiful, The Young and The Restless. As The World Turn, these are the Days of Our Lives so following your Guiding Light.

Friendship Authenticity

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Friendship Authenticity

Do you choose your friends based on “WHO they are” (title, position, social status) or on “who they ARE” (values, beliefs, personality)? And how do they choose you?

Facebook has been a really fun way to connect with friends and reconnect with past acquaintances. A day or so ago, a high school friend commented on my status and shared with me that she is now a “Brand Strategist.” I was fascinated…never knew such a field existed. So, I sought to find out more and in doing so ran across this quote from her, which I love, and hope she doesn’t mind my borrowing for this note.

“I believe that authenticity connects a brand with its audiences. If, as a business, you know your own truth – your vision, your reason for being, your essence – and you do everything in a way that brings that truth to light, the right people will be attracted.” – Nila Neally, Certified Brand Strategist; Element Three

I love this quote for several reasons. One, because our institution is going through branding right now and this gets at the core of what we have been working for and two, as my brain was chugging away I began to see that this quote is very appropriate not just for businesses but for us as individuals. Bear with me please as it this aspect I want to write about. What is it that we all seek in our relationships? We seek friendship and partners that are genuine, faithful, and dependable. We seek legitimate relationships that validate us. We seek authenticity and only through it can we truly connect with another.

How then do we go about finding those authentic relationships? First, I believe we have to know who we truly are. We have to dig down through all the layers of our personality, experiences, beliefs, values, and preferences. We need to look at who we are when nobody is looking and find our truth. To go back to Neally’s quote, we have to find and know “(our) vision, (our) reason for being, (our) essence.” We may not like what we find there. If we don’t, then we have to change it or live with it. (Change is difficult and we face challenges in changing not only from within but from others who attempt to suppress change and growth. But that’s a topic for another day.)

Second, everything that we do should reflect that truth. It should reflect the essence of who we are. Regardless of where we are or who we are with, if we are being authentic our true essence will flow through. Do we pray when we eat at home with our families or are out with “church friends” but not if we are alone or with our “neighborhood friends?” Do we talk meanly about Jane Doe to those we pull close and call “Leadership” or our “BFF’s” and then preach/teach/say that this behavior is wrong and that we don’t participate in it? Do we cut others off in traffic and add a one finger salute and then complain about angry drivers aiding in the degradation of a once genteel society? Everything we do, when others are watching and when we are alone, should reflect the essence of who we are at our core.

Finally, I believe that essence will act as a magnet ---attracting the right people (Neally) and repelling the wrong people. Let’s be honest here, some relationships aren’t going to work. Take oil and water, they just don’t mix. However, that doesn’t mean they can’t have a symbiotic (cooperative) relationship. Consider again the oil and water, what is the best way to keep water from boiling over? Add oil. Perhaps not the strongest of examples, but you get the point.

Again I ask, do you choose your friends based on “WHO they are” or on “who they ARE”? And how do they choose you?

Be authentic and seek authenticity.

Blessings,
Jo